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 Bad DawgsThe Seattle Times is running a week-long expose on the criminal activity over at the Montlake Correctional Facility during the 2000-2001 Rose Bowl season. The "Victory and Ruins" series details such sordid details as attempted murders, rape, drug deals, beatings, and outlines flatly inexcusable behavior by UW administrators and public officials. Meanwhile, the article reminds us how these thugs were utilized as players on Saturdays, and how they provided immense contributions to a winning season. Their success climaxed with these teammates clenching roses between their teeth after a Rose Bowl victory. The roses, red as the blood on their hands, and red as the blood spilt from their victims bodies, became the symbol of that season. This series should change all that and serve as a call to the NCAA to invalidate the season and penalize the university on the grounds of Lack of Institutional Control. "At least a dozen members of the Rose Bowl team were arrested that year or charged with a crime that carried possible jail time. At least a dozen others on that team got in trouble with the law in other seasons." The series certainly echoes the transgressions collected here at HuskiesSuck.com, the new home of Bad Dawg - The Unofficial Husky Hall of Shame. Taken as a whole, it is clear that the University conducted itself with a complete disregard for the law, and that it lacked any form of "institutional control" over its coaches and players. This series documents how, on numerous occasions, players played with outstanding warrants for their arrest, while the team and coaches worked with boosters to coerce the police and prosecutors to look the other way. The result? A Rose Bowl season, another "glory year" that Husky fans will use as the basis for their infinite arrogance. Here at HuskiesSuck.com, we pay tribute to the Seattle Times series by updating our long-running Husky Article Generator which was originally created around the time of these infractions were taking place. This Article Generator seems more relevant in light of this series than it did at the time, and certainly could've been used to fill the inches of our local dailies with details of those recurring and too-frequent transgressions. The Seattle Times is reporting this story in its entirety, so there's not much to say that the Times' series won't say more accurately and eloquently. So let us take this chance to point at the evidence and remind the general public that this is a key reason that for many, dislike of the Huskies goes well beyond a banter-filled friendly college rivalry. Let this be a reminder as to why, as the Huskies so often like to point out, that the Huskies' rivals seem to have stronger, more palpable dislike for the Huskies than is returned. And above all else, let it be a facts-based and unfiltered reminder as to why, more than any other university in this nation with a major athletic program, the Huskies suck. Feed the RichHusky lobbist outside the Washington State Capitol Building Cash-Strapped Billionaires Beg for $150M from Taxpayers Times are harder over at Montlake than previously thought, as evidenced by the University of Washington begging the State Legislature to allocate $150M toward a new Husky Stadium despite an alumni fund consisting of over $2.2 billion in funds. While it was known that President Emmert was "turning tricks" by accepting payouts in exchange for firings in the athletic department (see below), it was not known that the school was in such need of financial aid. Analysis reveals that the Huskies have been scraping by with little more than a diet of ramen noodles and toast, as is demonstrated by their feeble and apparently undernourished athletic programs of the last several years. There was great enthusiasm amongst University officials about what could be accomplished with the $150M of state funds. Ideas included and upgrade to exotic hardwood bleacher benches, a non-collapsible roof, increased yacht parking. "Just imagine the size of the track we could circle the field with for $150 million!" exclaimed an unnamed source. Rendering of the new $300 million Husky Stadium, featuring an even larger track and more yacht parking. It is not known if the University will seek to allocate a portion of the funds to God, who regularly makes Husky Stadium miserable by providing rain and drizzle upon the masses, although it has been confirmed that they are working with demigod Jake Locker to initiate negotiations with God. Despite such viable options as a) raising their own damn money, b) drawing from the $2.2 billion alumni fund, c) playing at Qwest field, and d) shutting down the athletic department altogether; the Huskies decided to invoke their sense of entitlement and superiority while pulling dollars from the hard-working taxpayers of Washington State. "This is not a professional venture, and that's what makes it different" noted a prominent lawmaker, "that is, except for the fact that they pay their players." Dawg: Bounty HunterMark Emmert picked up the bounty on Turner, still after Willingham Alum Attempts to Purchase a "Return to Glory" Revealed in a Seattle Times report today is the discovery that many Husky alumni threatened to withhold ongoing support for the school unless Ty "Losingham" and Todd "Turdner" (sic) were removed from their active positions, even going so far as to offer a bounty of $100,000 each for the removal of the two unsuccessful losers. With Emmert as the bounty hunter, the school took the bait on "Turdner," canning him in December, and the University will in turn receive $100,000 in exchange. While it was long known that Huskies would gladly pay their players big money, and let their employees gamble money in the name of college athletics, it is believed this may be the first occasion of the Huskies taking money by selling their adminsitrative positions. (Past discretions are documented here on Bad Dawg). Like some kind of high-stakes game of Big Brother, Husky big-time boosters are invited to make their choice, then see if "Big Brother" Emmert grants their bid. Emmert did not discolose the cost of other heads in the Athletic Department, however Husky alumni were rumored to have inquired with Pac-10 officials about the per-unit cost to buy wins for their team. Word of mouth indicates they were directed to the Pac-10 officiating office. It is not known if Emmert has any plans to continue his career as a bounty hunter. Osama bin Laden is still at large, and the collection on his bounty by Emmert could bring in upwards of $25 million for the University. Based on the per-win cost for the Huskies over the last few years, that'd be enough to buy an additional win per season, getting them that much closer to .500. Bin Laden, Emmert, and "Turdner" were each unavailable for comment. Reality BitesExcerpts from the minds of Husky "fans" Husky Fans Open Eyes In a startling and rare occasion of Husky fans calling it like it is, thousands of UW and BCC alumni and hangers-on emailed University of Washington president Mark Emmert last fall in an attempt to stop sucking, the Seattle Times reports. In their candid emails to Emmert, Husky fans lifted their delusional veil of arrogance for a brief moment in order to craft a persuasive argument that they do, in fact, suck-- so horribly, in fact, that the incumbent leadership should be removed. This highly unusual expression of self-doubt from the traditionally arrogant and myopic Husky fans is unprecedented. Yet, their whiney pathetic rants provided a surprisingly accurate reflection of the current state of Husky athletics. Some choice selections: "My alma mater is not serious about winning football games." "My UW gear has to go into hiding." "My hope is gone." [This is a] "program that is going nowhere fast." [The Huskies] "made me hate life damn near every Saturday over the past 3 years of the football season." "Think like a loser, play like a loser." [Tyrone] "Losingham" "As soon as they changed the uniform colors to a soft purple and gold, attitude has been very soft." "Husky Saturdays are days of sadness" "Get the hell out and don't ever come back!!!!" "This program is dead" "Brick"-man Blows ItArron Baynes asks Jon Brockman to name his father Cougs Sexpeat as Husky Dreams Shattered... Again The lavender-clad "Marys of Montlake" lost their sixth straight basketball game to the Washington State Cougars on January 5th, moving the Huskies into a competitive race for last place in the Pac-10. Jon "Brick"-man lived up to his moniker by missing a critical free throw with 28 seconds remaining, and with a second chance to redeem himself missed on a short jumper from the key. It is rumored that Ty Willingham may be acting as free-throw coach for the Huskies, who's lack of fundamentals led them to hit only 5 of 13 from the free throw line. "It's not like free throws are actually free," said one Fuskies player. "They got their hands all up in my peripheral field of vision." As the loss became more probable, Husky fans had high expectations that Jake "Sports Jesus" Locker would rise and emerge from the ridiculously oversized "W" at center court, bearing symbolic gifts of lavender and NIT tickets for coach Lo Ro, and that He would miraculously lead the team to victory, saving them from yet another loss at the hands of their rival. Alas, this did not happen, much as it did not happen during the football Apple Cup. The well-known autumn echoes ringing the excuse-heavy cries of "we're a basketball school," have lately changed to "we're a women's softball and crew school" since the excuses cannot look to success in any major sport as a reason for failure in the sport at hand. The Fuskies have lost three of the last four football Apple Cups, on their way to yet another 9 loss season. Jesus Locker could not be reached for comment. LOCK'D DOWN"Apple" Brink celebrates another easy Cup win Brink Dominates Locker in (yawn) Another WSU Win Jake "Our Lord and Savior" Locker proved he was a genuine purple-blooded Mutt as he could not do enough to muster a win against the mighty Cougars of Washington State. Despite legions of fanboys annointing Locker as The One, and making claims of what they call "Locker-ocity" such as freeing the slaves and inventing the cotton gin, Jake "Casey Paus Lite" Locker proved himself as a true Fusky and threw an embarassing interception on a critical play in the waning moments of the 100th Apple Cup-- a series that has been dominated by the Cougars of late. The Fuskies have lost three of the last four Apple Cups, on their way to yet another 9 loss season. Husky Hysteria at it's Finest Pride of MuttlakeHusky Pride 100 Years of Sucking Husky fans rejoiced this week as another season of unabashed sucking drew to a close. This season's embarrasment of embarrasments was highlighted by yet another season without a bowl game, yet another season of calling for a coaching change, losses to the complete states of both Oregon and Arizona, gay-looking throwback uniforms, and of course, "The Savior." Jake "The Savior" Locker caused more Huskies to prematurely cream their shorts than a flirty sheep on pledge day. Locker's excellence was unmatched, as Locker, according to Husky fans, put up numbers that should have him in the lead for the Heisman Award, Maxwell Award, Lombardi Award, and the Outland Trophy. He is also said to have walked on water and freed his teammates from eternal damnation. Locker, also known as the "Spencer Hawes of Football," is certain to lead his team to the same type of glory as Hawes, and is just as likely to bail on them at the first whiff of enough cash to buy a new Camaro (likely from Billy Joe Hobert's Chevy dealership in Auburn). Husky fans held their breath when Locker was tapped on the head and carted off the field, and held their gag reflexes as they continued to fellatiate him anyway. Just as the season started with the annual "Return To Excellence Gala" and "Bowl-Game-Bound Bash," the Huskies kept with tradition and topped it all off with the annual "Fire the Coach Festival." It truly was another wonderful season for Husky Football! Go Dogs! Gloat OnHusky QB SheLicks Sweetcheecks gloats with a man-meat stick after an undeserved win Huskies Severely Injured Patting Selves on Back Legions of Huskies and Husky fans were severely injured on Saturday after ackwardly patting themselves on the back for comming out with more points scored in a game that they didn't actually win. Never actually driving down the field, and getting away with numerous non-calls and other bullshit calls by the always brilliant Pac-10 officiating staff, the Huskies managed to pull points out of their ass in the same way a hobo pulls $100 bills out of his pee-hole. The widespread injuries occured after unprecedanted gloating on this day, as the best Husky team in three whole years barfed together more points than the obviously superior Washington State University Cougars team. How EmbarrassingAn unidentified Husky quarterback just wants the pain to end Huskies Make Historically Poor Opponent Look Good The Huskies renewed their long-running relationship with embarrasment, humility, and terrible football by losing to the team the Seattle Times called "one of the worst teams in Pac-10 history." Apparently the Huskies wanted to retain that title for themselves, and their own historically bad teams of the last several years. Saturday's display was consistant with the proud Husky tradition of losing football games after predicitions of greatness and bowl game glory. This is a theme that had been repeated the over the previous five weeks of humiliating losses. Offensively, the Huskies' "talent" position players and offensive gameplan worked about as well as wiping one's ass with a porcupine. The Husky offensive line, known as "The Piglets," impressed the top recruits that were in attendance in the way they protected their quarterback. It's something they've been doing all season, and has led to the first, second, third, and fourth string quarterbacks being injured. Having depleated their quarterback "talent" pool, the Huskies will have to scramble to find a player in time for the Apple Cup. Next in the sacrificial line of quarterbacks is Francis Dunmopper, a second-seat oboe player in the Husky marching band. There's Always VolleyballBrandon Roy photographed at the very moment he realizes that the Huskies Suck. At least they still have the women's Volleyball national title. I think they're not too bad at women's softball too. Football Cellar Sealed!Trandon Harvey and Jerome Harrison lead the Cougs to yet another Apple Cup victory The Huskies cemented sole possession of last place in the Pac-10 with yet another loss, this time at the hands of the vastly superior Washington State Cougars. Last place finishes are becoming as commonplace at Montlake as earrings on white men. If you think it's been tiresome hearing Huskies pretend to occupy the moral high ground since 2002, today you saw where they really stand. Saturday's game sunk the mangey mutts into new lows, such as cheering your oppoenents injuries and unprovoked physical attacks upon the opposing team's cheerleaders. After the game, as the Cougar team and fans celebrated on the field, whiney Husky players tried to turn the event into a girl-fight with their limp-wristed slapping attack. "Tyrone Willingham feared for his life," said Husky coach Tyrone Willingham. "Tyrone Willingham feared for his life," said Husky coach Tyrone Willingham 2-8: Ain't it Great! The Huskies prayers for win number two were answered on Saturday as they defeated national powerhouse Arizona (3-6). It has been a typical season by recent Husky standards, one riddled with embarrasing losses and the usual quitting when the going gets tough. But this season will long be remembered as the year that the program was righted-- from a disasterous 1-10 season to a glorious 2 win jubilee. Ty Willingham has proven that he is worth all the purple accolades cast upon him, as well as the $7 million the Univeristy is paying him. And fan enthusiasm has never been more rabid. Yes, Husky fans, welcome to a new era of Husky football! New photos on display under "Fans and Alumni" and "Team" in the Caught on Film section. March SadnessHuskies find new and exciting ways to humiliate themselves Basketball March Sadness The Huskies basketball team has found a new approach to bringing shame upon their university. Whereas most Husky athletics teams have focused their embarrassing behavior on the field (as in a 1-10 season), or off the field, this year's basketball team has opted to bring shame in a new and exciting way-- with a humiliating photo spread. Looking like a cross between the cast of "Chicago" and Rocky Horror, the Huskies donned their penguin suites for a pinup photo which will line the urinals of Cougar and Duck bars for years. The photo features a shirtless Nate Robinson, the self-proclaimed Greatest Athlete in the World, getting in one last flex-shot of his Schwarzenegger-eque physique. Robinson, who for years has been rumored to be of relation to Gary Coleman, bears a stronger resemblance to the always shirtless Mr. Peanut (R) in the photo, spawning a new clamor of speculation about Robinson's seemingly divine origins. Neither Mr. Coleman nor Mr. Peanut could be reached for comment. More. Ty'd Down'Hilari'-Ty 'Grin'-ingham in one of his memorable 'Zing' contests (see below) Football Ty'd Down The Fuskies have named Tyrone Willingham as their latest coaching victim. Willingham, known as a real loose cannon and prankster, brings with him a history of success worthy of a program as storied as Washington's, including such memorable seasons as Stanford's 5-6 1997 season, subsequent 3-8 1998 season, the memorable 5-6 2000 season, and the historic "Return to Glory" at Notre Dame, the 5-7 2003 season. Willingham's career winning percentage is .560, which projects to a 6-5 team for the Fuskies, which unrealistic as it is, would constitute a monumental improvement over the 1-10 steaming mass of feces that was the 2004 campaign. More. Program Cancelled A program was cancelled on Montlake recently, although not the type of NCAA-penalty type of program shutdowns the athletic department is used to. The student-operated television show "Return to Hardnosed Husky Football," hosted by former coach Gilby the Hut, has been cancelled in favor of a new reality-based program. The new program is identical to one aired on Notre Dame's student-operated network since 2002, and is titled "Return to Glory." The program pits a hapless coach of a historically good football team that has descended into the ass-can to face real-life challenges such as NCAA investigations, deflecting rape accusations, and masterminding illegal recruiting procedures. One holdover from the original program will remain, the popular "Do You Double Down?" bonus-game in which contestants can opt to wager their winnings. More. "Hilari"-Ty "Grin"-ingham Ty Willingham, known as Hilari-Ty Grin-ingham to his prankster pals, is a new force to be reckoned with on the Ewe Dub campus. Known as one of the nation's best at the recreational sport of "zinging," "slamming," "burning," or "snapping," in which advisories trade witty barbs followed by a clever play on words incorporating one of the aforementioned verbs, Willingham's loose demeanor will be a welcome addition to the stuffy Montlake campus. Word of Willingham's prowess as a prankster has reached campus as well, attributing such legendary pranks as the "Beef ain't Meat" hoax, "Dirty Little Kitten" prank, and the historic "Franklin's Watermelon." Not everyone could be convinced of Willingham's lovable demeanor, however. Tyee Club chair-person Snooty McChortle said, "pardon my French, but Willingham is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond. Ha-Muph Muph Muph!" More. Dawgin' It!Breaking News: Huskies Redefine Sucking Most observers of Northwest football didn't think it was possible for the Huskies to suck more than their pompous arrogance and lawbreaking behavior have traditionally sucked. But 2004 was a season of firsts for the Huskies, as the literally redefined what it means to suck. This was not a season where they squeezed out a stinker of a year, but rather one where it appeared they had overdosed on laxatives when administering this foul display, effortlessly intertwining flashes of clumsiness, carelessness, un-athletic abilities, stupid decisions, and lack of will. This was the season the Huskies have deserved all along, the one that should have reminded them that Dawg crap has never smelled like roses. Flabby, impotent coach Keith Gilbertson was not available for comment. More. Ted Miller to Dedicate New Memorial Local clown and humorist Ted Miller, who is syndicated in a national joke column focused on the Pac-10, will today dedicate the new memorial in the center of the UW campus: the Keith Gilbertson "Pity Pot." The newly bronzed pity pot, which will be retired after the season, has seen heavy use by Huskies and local hacks like Miller for over 11 years, since the Huskies were convicted on countless violations of NCAA rules. The subsequent punishment has been used as an excuse for every loss since, except for a handful of games this season during which Coach Keith "Grimace" Gilbertson's slovenly appearance was blamed. For breaking the spell of woebegone Tyee members, the booster club commissioned the bronzing of the Pity Pot, which will stand in Red Square, so that future generations of Huskies will be able to make excuses for evermore. New Mythology Class Focuses on Football "Mythology 1991," a new course being offered this Fall, is being hailed as the finest new course to hit campus since "Fish 101". The class focuses on modern day mythology surrounding the Husky football team, such as the Mythical National Championship, a tall tale which was later downsized to the more believable Mythical Northwest Championship. The tale tells of a magical team, led by the gallant man-giant "James of Poulsbo," who led the team to glory and fame in ancient times before scholarship limits. History tells a different story, however, revealing that "Donald James" was actually a well-known cheater, who built his teams by hiring mercenaries such as "Billy Joe the Camaro." Furthermore, James greatest accomplishment never even happened, as the tale of the 1991 season reveals that the Hurricanes of Miami were the National Champions. History also shows that when James got his hand caught in the cookie jar, he went to sit on the famed UW Pity Pot and quit football forever. Football Fuskies Guilty: ...of Hilarity! The Fuskies were once again the clever conspirators behind hilarious drunken pranks, campus police reported early Sunday morning. "Yeah, lets see, we had a smashed car window, a couple of date rapes, some drunken falls, and more than a few street brawls," said Ewe Dub Campus Sheriff Shruggy McOthercheek. "It was the funniest thing I've seen all season!" Fusky athletes have earned a reputation as the most hilarious group of crime-oriented pranksters in the nation. Their legendary exploits were so humorous as to spawn two television shows based on the same premise. (COPS is now in its 12th year, and the show 'Jackass' became a major film release in 2002). Fusky lawyers work very closely with local prosecutors, to prevent convictions that might interfere with the athlete's performances between the lines. "When we've really got it going," said prosecutor Norm McLetemwalk, "the press won't even hear about it. Most of the really funny stuff never makes the papers." Jeremey Stevens could not be reached for comment. More. Football 'Ol Doc Feelgood Makes 'Em Feel Alright Good 'ol Doc Feelgood, the famed Ewe medical wizard who has provided his potions and elixirs to lucky Dawg athletes for years, is finally receiving some well-deserved recognition for his efforts. "We owe so much of our success to the efforts of Doc," said Fuskie tailback Needles McRoid. "I was finally able actually run the 40 time my coaches claimed I could!" Barry Bonds could not be reached for comment. More. Football Fuskies Manage to Cover the Spread The Fuskies lost the game, but won the hearts and minds of their fans on Saturday as they managed to narrow the final just enough to cover the point spread for the game. Fusky coaches and fans were thrilled with the outcome, which lowers them to last in the Pac-10, but first in VROI: Vegas' Return on Investment, a gambling metric used by bookies to measure the profitability of betting on a particular team to cover the spread in losing efforts. "Win or lose, it really doesn't matter much to me," said Fusky quarterback Reno McCraps. "As long as we make the fans in Vegas happy, we're happy." Chris Moneymaker could not be reached for comment. More. |
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