Sam Smugly - LB - Redmond

Dubbed "Sloth Smugly" by his high school coach, Sam may be the slowest player ever recruited by the Huskies. Nevertheless, he's a "bone"-ified five star recruit, according to Ewedub Recruiting Services. "With Sam, it's all about attitude," said the team Arrogance Consultant, Dick Baird. "He's got the personality we look for."

Waylon Rears - TE - Enumclaw

Rears has his sights set on continuing the long tradition of Husky tight ends. "I promise, I'll be the tightest end of them all!" squealed Rears. Waylon was a 4H champion in hometown Enumclaw, taking home the blue ribbon for both quilting and animal husbandry. He enjoys tango dancing and spending time with his leather collection. "He should fit right in," said the team's "Purple Pride" spirit coordinator, Bruce Spears. "I expect him to make an immediate impact."

Felipe Tuiasosowhat - QB - Woodinville

The latest "Tui" can make all the same claims as his famous Husky relatives: a thirteen letter surname, those famous boyish charms, and a movie-star smile. Husky coaches expect these attributes to translate well to the college level. Said coach Gilbertson, "he's got everything it takes to be a great Husky quarterback- that adorable teddy-bear huggability, an enormous ego, and that genuine air of superiority. He should be a Heisman candidate in no time!"

Freddy Fairweather - RG - Seattle

Freddy should be the stalwart of another excessively stout offensive line. Fairweather made history in high school, transferring schools during each of his four years (each time, coincidentally, to the state champs of the previous year). Freddy is a tremendous sports fan, and lists amongst his favorite teams the Florida Marlins, Los Angeles Lakers, and Ohio State Buckeyes, but can't wait to return the Huskies to their smashmouth-football glory. As long as that's next year.

"Smokey" Jay Chambers - WR - Olympia

Husky coaches report that this speedster runs a 3.75 40 yard dash, although Smokey Joe claims he was referring to his "40oz time." Joe earned his nickname during a particularly forgettable Phish concert, where a fellow corndog-lover known only as "Softy" coined the name to replace his previous high school nickname, "Wheezy." Is fond of Pizza Pockets, Rob Schneider movies, and goldfish.

Kevin Gilbertson - DE - Medina

"Gilby" or "K-Gilb," as he is known, plans to join his father and become a Husky. Kevin is the most highly-recruited Husky defensive lineman of all time. He is being hailed as the next Steve Emtman, despite being a full 14 inches shorter and weighing roughly the same. "It was quite a coincidence," said Husky recruiting coordinator Ruin McGoodtalent, "that Gibly's son just kept popping to the top of our wish-list." K-Gilb finished the season with three tackles. "If you watch the film," said McGoodtalent, "in every one of those tackles he just flattened the guy. I was extremely impressed."

Roc Papperscissors - CB - Tacoma

Roc comes to the Dawgs from the smallest school in Tacoma: St. Edwards School for the Socially Challenged, a school usually reserved for juvenile sociopaths. "Roc is perfectly safe," says his mother, Kathy. "He's a perfectly normal, well adjusted young man who just happens to enjoy self-mutilation and fire," adding "but he hasn't hurt anyone yet this year." Despite several run-ins with the law, including three independent accusations of arson, Roc has yet to be convicted, a streak which will certainly end as a Husky. (Editor's note: contrary to earlier reports, Roc's grandmother has recently dropped all charges).

"Special" Ed Burnbum - RB - Lynwood

"Special" Ed has been homeschooled since he was 14, but played football (by himself) in the nearby parks. Ed comes to the Huskies via a loophole in NCAA eligibility requirements. The loophole, discovered by former coach Rick Neuheisel, allows mentally disadvantaged students to participate in collegiate athletics with a reduced set of academic standards. The reduced standards are, amazingly, actually lower than the Huskies typical athletic standards. For example, instead of the usual coloring-book requirement, these students must pass a rigorous freestyle crayon-drawing exam. Ed plans to enroll in the school's Pre-Med program.

Molly "T-Bone" Mallone - OT - Puyallup

New Mexico broke the college football mold by having a female kicker on the Lobos' roster, and now the Huskies take the next step in gender equality with the first every-down player in Division I. Heavily recruited for her raw size and strength, "T-Bone" already appears to be stronger than any Husky lineman in history. She will be a dominating force and should be a huge upgrade over the Huskies lineman of recent years.