The 2008 HuskiesSuck.com Season Preview

Off Season Recap

The Leghumpers open up their long-awaited 2008 season amidst the annual myopic enthusiasm, and follwing yet another history-making off season.

Since we last saw them, suffering yet another Apple Cup loss, the poop-eaters have experienced a great deal of change. It started in true Fusky fashion, with Ty "We Have a Great... Cat" Willingham finding a way to shift the blame of the latest disasterous season onto someone else. In response to...

a defense that allowed nearly 32 points per game, Ty fired defensive coordinator Kent Baer and special teams coach Bob Simmons.

The decision to keep Willingham was met with wide approval from the Tyee Club (alumni booster club), who thew their full unqualified support behind the proud leader of their team. UW solidarity never seemed stronger!

Just as the Fuskies were basking in their solidified support and turn their beaming optimism toward the next season, they received news of another change. The Athletic Director the fans proudly called "Todd Turd-ner," responsible for several marvelous seasons of Fusky athletics, not to mention brilliant scheduling strategies, chose to quit in the middle of the school year and the recruiting season. Yet again, the Fuskies lived up to their proud reputation of quitting when the going gets tough.

While Fusky football fans were delightfully distracted by another successful basketball season, they were alerted to some shocking news: the university president, Mark Emmert, had taken a $100,000 bounty in exchange for removing Athletic Director Todd Turner.

Finally the Mutts got some more encouraging news when it became public that the University, with one of the wealthiest alumni bases of any public university in the nation, was begging for public funds to be used for a new stadium, presumably with another giant track.

The One

But finally all the usual signs of football are showing themselves: the leaves are changing, the Tyees are whining about something, and the Honks are predicting a national championship. Most of the enthusiasm begins and ends with a certain special someone: Our Lord and Savior, Sweet Baby Jakesus Locker.

Locker is widely regarded to be the greatest football player who ever played, neigh, the greatest athlete who ever competed, neigh, the greatest person who ever lived. Previously thought to the offspring of Chuck Norris and Tim Tebow, we now know that Locker has a mommy, who he loves very, very much. Perhaps that is where he gets his superhuman strength, courage, intelligence, wit, charm, good looks, pleasant odor, pottery skill, telekinesis, [...].

A mommy who sucks face with her college age son in such a wet, sloppy way must know something we don't. While most of the rest of Husky Nation is busy sucking on something else of Jake's, his Mommy knows where to draw the line of motherly love.

They call him "The One," "Montlake Jake," "The Savior" of "Hardnose Husky Football," and Locker is expected to deliver the Pups to an undefeated record and their first National Championship.

The Rest

You wouldn't know it from listening to the coaches, media, or fans, but there are other players on this team not named Locker. It's just that as it turns out, they're all fresh out of diapers. Freshman Running Back Chris Polk, the latest seven-star recruit for UW, has the raw talent and power to break the NCAA all time career rushing yardage record... this week. He's that good, so say the Honks.

Polk will be joined by 84 other true freshman, filling out the remainder of the roster. This youth movement will have its first true test on Saturday, in raucous Autzen stadium, facing the hated Oregon Ducks. The Ducks are without their starting QB, but are still favorites to win.

Conclusion

It should be another fine, fine, football season for the 2008 Fuskies. One we anticiapte will be filled with ugly losses, a myriad of excuses, endless arrogance and chest-thumping, and above all, Mommy Locker Lip Sucking.

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